How to Have Healthy Communication
You've probably heard that healthy communication is the key to a successful relationship about a thousand times. Great advice, right? But what does that even mean? Especially when one of you has ADHD and the other doesn't? Does it mean never arguing? Always agreeing? Talking about every little feeling until you're both exhausted?
Nope. Nope. And definitely nope.
Healthy communication means being able to express your thoughts, feelings, and needs while making room for your partner to do the same. It involves respect, curiosity, emotional safety, and a willingness to understand each other, even when you disagree. In ADHD and neurotypical relationships, that can get complicated. Not because either partner is doing something wrong, but because attention, memory, and emotional regulation can work differently.
In my previous post, Why Communication Feels So Hard in Mixed-Neurotype Relationships, I discussed how these differences can leave couples feeling as if they're speaking entirely different languages. Today, let's talk about what you can actually do about it.
Three tips to build healthier communication
1. Stop assuming and atart asking
Your partner forgot something important. Again. You think, "If they cared, they would remember."
Hold on!
ADHD can affect working memory and executive functioning, making it harder to remember intentions and follow through on tasks. Forgetting something isn't necessarily a reflection of how important it is. But here's the other side: Having ADHD doesn't mean the impact of forgetting disappears. Instead of arguing about whether your partner cares, try asking, "What would help us try to avoid this again?" Maybe it's a shared calendar, written reminders, or a different way of dividing responsibilities. The goal isn't to determine who's at fault. It's to find something that actually works. And it’s important to remember here that what works for someone else may not work for you and your partner, and that’s okay!!
2. Listen to understand, not to defend
Your partner says, "I feel like you're not listening to me." You immediately respond, "I AM listening! I heard everything you said!" And now you're arguing about whether someone was listening instead of discussing what they were trying to communicate. Sound familiar? When we feel criticized, it's easy to become defensive. For some people with ADHD, difficulties with emotional regulation can make those reactions particularly intense.
Try this: Before defending yourself, reflect what you heard. "It sounds like you felt ignored when I looked at my phone. Is that right?" You don't have to agree with your partner's interpretation to acknowledge their experience. And if you're the partner who feels unheard, be specific about what you need. "Can we put our phones away for a few minutes?" is much more actionable than "You never pay attention to me."
3. Learn to Repair Instead of Trying to Be Perfect
Here's something I wish more couples understood: Healthy communication doesn't mean you never mess up. You're going to interrupt. You're going to misunderstand something. You're probably going to say something that comes out completely wrong.
Welcome to being human!
John Gottman's research on relationships emphasizes the importance of repair attempts, those moments when partners interrupt conflict and try to reconnect. And repairs don't have to be elaborate.
"That came out wrong. Can I try again?"
"I got defensive because I felt criticized. I want to understand what you meant."
"I know I forgot, and I understand why you're upset. Let's figure out a better system."
Do you see the pattern? None of those statements require someone to surrender their perspective, but they all require acknowledging your partner’s experience. Repair isn't about deciding who's right. It's about taking responsibility for your part and finding your way back to each other.
Different Brains, Healthy Communication
Healthy communication isn't about getting your ADHD partner to act more neurotypical or expecting your neurotypical partner to simply accept every ADHD-related challenge. It's about recognizing that both partners have legitimate needs, different experiences, and shared responsibility for how they communicate.
Start small. Pick one of these tips and practice it this week. You don't need to overhaul your entire relationship by Friday. And remember, the goal isn't to communicate perfectly. It's to create a relationship where both of you feel heard, understood, and respected.
Shameless plug: If you and your partner keep getting stuck in the same conversations, couples therapy can help you understand what's happening underneath those arguments and develop communication patterns that work for both of you.
Schedule a free 15-minute consultation.
Don't Forget to Cite Your Sources, Friends!
Barkley, R. A. (Ed.). (2015). Attention-deficit hyperactivity disorder: A handbook for diagnosis and treatment (4th ed.). Guilford Press.
Gottman, J. M., & Silver, N. (2015). The seven principles for making marriage work (Rev. ed.). Harmony Books.
Shaw, P., Stringaris, A., Nigg, J., & Leibenluft, E. (2014). Emotion dysregulation in attention deficit hyperactivity disorder. American Journal of Psychiatry, 171(3), 276–293. https://doi.org/10.1176/appi.ajp.2013.13070966
